Relationships 💓

We all play different roles with different people. At work you’re a colleague, boss, part of a team. At home you’re a roommate, girlfriend, boyfriend, sibling, wife, husband, son daughter, mother, father you’re a friend etc. Relationships are always evolving. They change, they grow and sometimes they crash and they burn. We never can be definite about how the future will look when each kind of awful habit start to show themselves publicly, or under the influence of alcohol or in-laws. We have certain responsibilities towards one another and all are a relationship filled with love and affection towards one another. But what if the relationship starts being the reason to make you feel worthless about yourself, causes nothing but stress, there is abuse involved physical or emotionally. These relationships cause toxicity in your lives, but why do we only talk about toxic relationship only between couples?

Ever wondered how a friends constant battering can be such a negative influence over you? Or a mother’s constant reminder of you not being good enough does to your self esteem? I am not saying that your friend and mother don’t love you, but is this relationship making you blossom or rot? Why do we feel obliged to deal with this toxicity in the name of love?

We LOVE, love of course we do. We are culturally trained and made to believe that you parents are god and they speak nothing but the truth but we forget that they are humans just like you and I. They have their flaws and sometimes illness to deal with them. Your friends don’t always want the best for you. Their statements can come out from jealousy, revenge or just their lack of understanding. We are blindfolded by our core beliefs that they can never be wrong and hence don’t even realize that we are drowning in their toxicity. The worst is we don’t even realize their negative influence until we are full grown adults or deep in their friendhship.

Before we understand point fingers, we will talk about what is a Toxic relationship.

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship contaminates your self-esteem, your happiness and the way you see yourself and the world. A toxic person will float through life with a trail of broken hearts, broken relationships and broken people behind them, but toxic relationships don’t necessarily end up that way because the person you fell for turned out to be a toxic one. Relationships can start healthy, but bad feelings, bad history, or long-term unmet needs can fester, polluting the relationship and changing the people in it. It can happen easily and quickly, and it can happen to the strongest people.

Can it be fixed?

All relationships are worth a fight until they’re not. In a Toxic Relationship there will always be a fallout.

×          Moodiness, Unhappiness, anger outbursts becomes the norm.

×         You start dreading to meet the person or be in contact.

×         Work and relationship outside starts to suffer

If the relationship is toxic, it is highly likely that all the fight in the world won’t change anything because one or both people have emotionally moved on. Perhaps they were never really there in the first place, or not in the way you needed them to be anyway.

Even worse, if your relationship is toxic, you will be more and more damaged by staying in it. Fighting to hold on to something that is not fighting to hold on to you will ruin you. Sometimes the only thing left to do is to let go with grace and love and move on.

Signs you are in a toxic relationship:

It feels bad. All the time.

You feel hollow before you sleep and you feel the same after. You see others in the same relationship flourishing and happy. “Why couldn’t that sort of love happen to me?” you’ll constantly wonder. Leaving a relationship is never easy but staying such a relationship will make sure you’re eroded with all the love, dignity and self confidence you have.

You’re constantly braced with “gotcha”.

       Sometimes you see it coming, but sometimes its covered in the warm blanket they tuck you in.        Questions become traps. “ Wouldn’t  you rather meet me than go out with the other friend?”            When the ‘gotcha’ comes, there’s no forgiveness, just the glory of catching you out. It’s                     impossible to move forward from this. Everyone makes mistakes, but yours are used as proof             that you’re too uninvested, too wrong, too stupid, too something. The only thing you really are is       too good to be treated like this.

You avoid saying anything cause there’s just no point.

We all have important needs in relationships. Some of the big ones are connection, validation, appreciation, love, sex, affection. When those needs are mocked or ignored, the emptiness of that unmet need will clamour like an old church bell. If your attempts to talk about what you need end in a fight, a(nother) empty promise, accusations of neediness, insecurity, jealousy or madness you’ll either bury the need or resent that it keeps being overlooked. Either way, it’s toxic.

There’s no effort from him/her.

Standing on a dance floor doesn’t make you a dancer, and being physically present in a relationship doesn’t mean there is an investment being made in that relationship.

Doing things separately sometimes is healthy, but as with all healthy things, too much is too much. When there is no effort to love you, spend time with you, share the things that are important to you, the relationship stops giving and starts taking too much. There comes a point that the only way to respond to ‘Well I’m here, aren’t I?’ is, ‘Yeah. But maybe better if you weren’t.’

All the work comes and effort comes from you.

Nobody can hold a relationship together when they are the only one doing the work. It’s lonely and it’s exhausting. If you’re not able to leave the relationship, give what you need to give but don’t give any more than that. Let go of the fantasy that you can make things better if you try hard enough, work hard enough, say enough, do enough. Stop. Just stop. You’re enough. You always have been. 

When “No” becomes a dirty word.

 ‘No’ is an important word in any relationship. Don’t strike it from your vocabulary, even in the name of love – especially not in the name of love. Healthy relationships need compromise but they also respect the needs and wants of both people. Communicating what you want is as important for you and the relationship as communicating what you don’t want. Find your ‘no’, give it a polish, and know where the release button is. A loving partner will respect that you’re not going to agree with everything they say or do. If you’re only accepted when you’re saying ‘yes’, it’s probably time to say ‘no’ to the relationship. And if you’re worried about the gap you’re leaving, buy your soon-to-be ex some putty. Problem solved.

There’s a score card. Let me show you, you’re wrong.

One of the glorious things about being human is that making mistakes is all part of what we do. It’s how we learn, how we grow, and how we find out the people who don’t deserve us. Even the most loving, individuals will do hurtful, stupid things sometimes. When those things are brought up over and over, it will slowly kill even the healthiest relationship and keep the ‘guilty’ person small. At some point, there has to be a decision to move on or move out. Having shots continually fired at you based on history is a way to control, shame and manipulate. Healthy relationships nurture your strengths. Toxic ones focus on your weaknesses.

There’s always battle. And you’re alone as always.

Relationship is a teamwork. You need to know that whatever happens, you have each other’s backs, at least publicly. In healthy relationships, when the world starts throwing stones, the team comes together and fortifies the wall around each other. Toxic relationships often see one person going it alone when it comes to public put-downs. Similarly, when attempts are made from outside the relationship to divide and conquer, the couple is divided and conquered as easily as if they were never together in the first place.

Physical or verbal abuse.

You know the difference when it said for fun and when its really meant.

These are deal-breakers. You know they are.

“Im not angry but I’ll ignore you.”

Passive-aggressive behaviour is an indirect attack and a cowardly move for control. The toxicity lies in stealing your capacity to respond and for issues to be dealt with directly. The attack is subtle and often disguised as something else, such as anger disguised as indifference ‘whatever’ or ‘I’m fine’; manipulation disguised as permission ‘I’ll just stay at home by myself while you go out and have fun,’ and the worst – a villain disguised as a hero, ‘You seem really tired baby. We don’t have to go out tonight. You just stay in and cook us some dinner and do the house chores.

You know the action or the behaviour was designed to manipulate you or hurt you, because you can feel the scrape, but it’s not obvious enough to respond to the real issue. If it’s worth getting upset about, it’s worth talking about, but passive-aggressive behaviour shuts down any possibility of this.

Nothing gets resolved.

Every relationship will have its issues. In a toxic relationship, nothing gets worked through because any conflict ends in an argument. There is no trust that the other person will have the capacity to deal with the issue in a way that is safe and preserves the connection. When this happens, needs get buried, and in a relationship, unmet needs will always feed resentment. 

Whatever you’re going through, I’m going through worse.

In a healthy relationship, both people need their turn at being the supported and the supporter. In a toxic relationship, even if you’re the one in need of support, the focus will always be on the other person. ‘I know you’re really sick and can’t get out of bed but it’s soooo stressful for me because now I have to go to the party by myself. Next Saturday I get to choose what we do. K?[sad emoji, balloon emoji, heart emoji, another heart emoji, lips emoji].’

Privacy. What Privacy?

Unless you’ve done something to your partner that you shouldn’t have, like, you know, forgot you had one  on ‘Singles Saturday’, then you deserve to be trusted. Everybody deserves some level of privacy and healthy relationships can trust that this won’t be misused. If the individual constantly goes through your receipts, phone bills, text messages this shows a toxic level of control. It’s demeaning. You’re an adult and don’t need constantly supervision. 

The lies. OH THE LIES!

Lying and cheating will dissolve trust as if it was never there to begin with. Once trust is so far gone, it’s hard to get it back. It might come back in moments or days, but it’s likely that it will always feel fragile – just waiting for the wrong move. A relationship without trust can turn strong, healthy people into something they aren’t naturally – insecure, jealous and suspicious. The toxicity of this lies in the slow erosion of confidence. Sometimes all the fight in the world can’t repair trust when it’s badly broken. 

Know when enough is enough. It’s not your fault that the trust was broken, but it’s up to you to make sure that you’re not broken next.

Big decisions are for important people and you’re clearly not one of them.

If you’re sharing your life with someone, it’s critical that you have a say in the decisions that will affect you. If your friend, partner, sibling or parent’s  opinions and feelings will always be important, and so are yours. Your voice is an important one. A loving person in the context of a healthy relationship will value your thoughts and opinions, not pretend that they don’t exist or assume theirs are more important.

I think I might be in a toxic relationship. What now?

×          If it’s toxic, it’s changing you and it’s time to leave or put up a very big wall. Be clear about where the relationship starts and where you begin. Keep your distance emotionally and think of it as something to be MANAGED, rather than something to be beaten or understood. Look for the patterns and look for the triggers. Then, be mindful about what is okay and what isn’t. Above all else, know that you are strong, complete and vital. Don’t buy into any tiny-hearted, close-minded push that would have you believe otherwise. You’re amazing.

And Finally…

          There are plenty of reasons you might end up in a toxic relationship, none of which have nothing to do with strength of character or courage.

Sometimes the toxicity grows and blindsides you and by the time you realize, it’s too late – the cost of leaving might feel too high or there may be limited options.  

Toxicity in any relationship doesn’t make sense. In an attempt to make it make sense, you might blame history, circumstance or your own behavior. The truth is that none of this matters. It doesn’t matter where the toxicity comes from or the reason for it being there. 

Love and happiness don’t always go together. The world would run so much smoother if they did, but it just doesn’t happen like that. Love can be a dirty little liar sometimes. Staying in a relationship should never have losing yourself as one of the conditions. You’re far too important for that. 

It’s important to make sacrifices in relationships but your happiness, self-esteem and self-respect should always be on the list – always. If a relationship is built on love, it nurtures, restores, replenishes and revives. It doesn’t diminish. It isn’t cruel and it doesn’t ever violate a warm, open heart. Everything you need to be happy is in you. When you are with someone who suffocates those precious parts of you, be alive to the damage they are doing. You owe them nothing, you owe yourself everything. You deserve to thrive and to feel safe, and you deserve to be happy.